Wasn’t this supposed to be a blog about cooking on a grad school budget? Sorry Sheila, I found me a beneficiary.

“So, Erin. If I buy groceries, will you cook something for us?”

I said of course I would. Always looking for blog material. Little did I know my lovely sister and Aaron would come back having bought out the seafood counter at Safeway. Not only have I never cooked lobster, I’ve  never even eaten it.

I watched a few online tutorials and tried to educate myself about the proper preparation of shellfish, and it was a success. In fact, if I fail my finals because I watch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills while I study, I’m going to pursue a career as a fish monger.

Or maybe a chef in Vegas. This is outlandish seafood.

My assistant Kelly took the step by step photographs, in case you’re lucky enough to stumble upon the same $5 lobster tail deal. Maybe you’ll be nice enough to NOT tell the person cooking it, who is already at maximum stress level, that you spent $50.

Use clean kitchen scissors to cut down the center of the tail, leaving about 1 inch to the end.

Start to open up the shell a little bit (it’s okay if it cracks a little) and use your fingers to separate the meat from the inside of the shell.

Slide your finger on the underside and separate the meat from that part as well.

Gently pull the meat out of the shell and rest it on top, leaving the bottom portion still attached.

I need a manicure. Look how pretty!

 

On a side note, why is it that some people think Red Lobster is a ghetto restaurant where gangs hang out and some people think it’s like a really nice place to take your family or significant other? With no apparent in between? Someone enlighten me please.

Moving on, clarified butter. Because I’m too legit to quit.

 

Put a stick of unsalted butter on the stove over low-medium heat and let it melt slowly. Spoon the white foamy part from the top- you’re left with just the butterfat sans milk, which has a higher smoke point and is usually what they serve with seafood.

 

Brush the top (or clumsily pour from the pot) the butter over each tail. Sprinkle with salt and pepper, and broil for 5-6 minutes, adding more butter halfway through. Pull them out of the oven and cut a shallow slit down the middle, being careful not to cut all the way through.

Now onto crabby crabs.

Crab Mixture:

1 lb lump crab meat, picked through for shells and that gross yellow stuff

1/2 cup breadcrumbs (I used panko but crushed them more in a plastic bag)

1/4 cup mayonnaise

1 egg

1 tsp Old Bay seasoning

1 tsp Worcestershire sauce

1/4 cup finely minced onion, or 4-5 chopped scallions if you shop somewhere other than Shoppers.

Mix the ingredients together, then refrigerate for an hour or so. I put as much as I could pile on each of the lobster tails, then topped with more bread crumbs and Old Bay.

Broil for an additional 10-12 minutes or until lobster tails are pretty and pink. Pour the rest of the clarified butter over the top and serve.

I even made garlic mashed potatoes, AND Kelly made green beans in the microwave. I should have broken out my fine jewelry.

There was still enough of the crab mixture for three crab cakes.

Told you it was a fancy gathering. We hadn’t even finished our meal before Aaron was requesting tuna and/or steak tartare, sea scallops, hand rolled sushi, and pigs in a blanket. One of these things is not like the other.

..but if he’s footing the bill, bring on those crescent rolls and mini dogs.